You know…that idea that we will accomplish something great, be famous, be known for something. We all want it – that sense of having done something worth while, the knowledge that we have affected people’s lives in a positive and lasting way. I know I want it – but the problem is, I don’t know how I want to get it…

Some people want to be movie stars, some people want to cure AIDS, some people want to teach, some people want to be the President, some just want to be parents. Most people know, or at least dream, of being something to give them that aspiration of importance.

I want this same thing – but I haven’t got a clue how I want it. I want to influence people – I want to have a lasting, important effect in people’s lives that I can feel good about. I just haven’t got the foggiest clue as to how I am going to do that…if ever.

I really believe that I can be anything I want to (within reason of course – i mean, I couldn’t be a mother really.) I believe I could be a fighter pilot even though my eye sight is not 20/20. I could be a doctor, I could be a pysicist, I could be anything I really wanted to be. I don’t doubt that at all. I’ve never had trouble learning something new, and complex things take me very little time to learn (comparatively). But even with such a wide gamut of choices as to how to affect the world, I am at a loss as how to choose which one I want. Perhaps I won’t have to choose…maybe it will just come to me – pick me. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Ok – I am very happy with my site. While it’s been a breeding pool for people to let out stuff, and a lot has been gained … and lost … here, i think that it’s all been good.

I would have done it again if given the choice.

I reached 50,000 hits for the month of january on monday – I don’t want this to come across wrong, but I am proud of that. I’ve never really made something that was terribly useful to people – that was actually used. Anything that I wanted to make and use….anyway….

I am writing this post because I want to know what people think should be next. I know that “more updates” is always required – but what about other features? Would you want to be able to upload your own photos? Would you want to be able to….i don’t know, add links on the site? What would make you more interested to come here? What would make this site better serve you?

Now that that little rant is out of the way, time for a new one.

I hate my stupid car!!

Just after I get the car out of the coolant job, the brakes need work. So i go back and get the brakes fixed, and now my ABS light is going off!! Oh yeah, and there’s this terribly grinding sound whenever i turn the steering wheel all the way left or right…some times not even all the way. I can’t believe how much a pain in the ass this car is being – seriously! How much more can it fall apart? Oh yeah, I totaly left out the ghetto mirror I have now that’s black and the car is green….oh yeah, let’s not forget the crack in my body paneling….hrm…I don’t think i’ve left anything out…please please please please let this be the end of my troubles….i’m getting to know my mechanic, Steve, far to well….sigh

Shit – I hate my friggin car. I swear, I have so much damn trouble with cars. I just don’t work well with them. I got up nice and early today (7:30) to take my car in to have the engine coolant changed, and as I was getting in I discovered my car had been side-swiped and the mirror was ripped off. Bastard didn’t even leave a “Sorry” note.

Fuck. So I take it in and ask the mechanic to also check out an odd noise coming from the tires area – I call back to the shop after having waited 3 hours to find out the coolant is done, but that my front brakes are GONE – no pads at all. So, I have to get those replaced and it’s gonna be some money that I, as always, don’t have.

Great…just great. So my car is completely undriveable cause it’s unsafe. sigh It’s the buses for me for the next few days/weeks…..woo-freakin-hoo…..

Nick is back in town to wreak just a little bit more havok.

It seems a little deception has gona on about it. Whether it was intentional or not, is yet to be told. He had stated the intent on coming down was to come for a day or two, pick up some things, relax a little, and get his haircut. General stuff. Now, he has showed up a day before he said he would be here. He was spotted outside of, you guessed it, Amy’s work. He’s come down even earlier to, no doubt, to spend some quality time with his love interest. Albeit, I see it as unrequited love, he is obsessed and overly confident it is true love between them both. Quite honestly, I have known Amy, I’ve myself been “in love” with her, and so I know what it’s like…this whole routine. I dont claim to be an expert. But I’ve seen it, and I have seen what she is like with ben. Ben is the one she loves – and i’ve never known her to truely love the way she does him. If nick can’t see that, that’s just too bad. I hope she sees it . . . it’s quite possibly one of the best things in her life.

But drama drama drama, eh?

Stupid fountaingove road cops…i hate them.

I really haven’t had a whole lot to write about recently. My life has been pretty serene. No major events, no huge deals, and all I’ve really done this week is work.

I’m not complaining though. I like this calmness, this peace. It’s nice to be able to not have so much chaos and activity. It’s given me time to relax, to ponder things, to think about things, to find wisdom. That sorta thing.

Then again, I don’t really think you can “find” wisdom. Wisdom is not knowledge in and of itself. Wisdom is possesing great amounts of useful and correct information and insight, and it is (this is the important part) the ability to communicate that knowledge so others can learn from it. That’s what wisdom is – not just knowing a lot.

I have noticed a large difference between me and a great majority of people. There seem to be two sects of thought on this subject, and I think I am in the minority amoung the people I know.

In life, everyone wants love. That’s a universal want/need. It’s just part of how we are programmed. I believe that. What kind of ‘love’ is where people split on opinions. You see, for some people it is the “I am looking for that one soul mate who will be completely happy with me and I with them, and any other relationship is/was pointless after finding that it was not my soul mate.” And then for me it’s “I do want that soul mate, I do want to find that special person, but I am not so in need of it that I am going to throw away a relationship because it’s not going to be the ‘soul mate’ i want.”

See, I figure that former type (“Gimme my soul mate now!!!”) is going to live a rather disapointed life. Look at it like this with me for a second. While they may be happy with the relationship and may have had some fun, their main goal is to find the one and only, and if that person they were with wasn’t the one and only, they aren’t going to be happy. Thus for the billions of people on this planet, they could go through soooo many before they find the soul mate that their life would just be sad.

This isn’t entirely true, i doubt it’s as harsh as I put it, but that gives you the idea. Now, I do want my soul mate some day, heck I am pretty sure I want kids too, but right now my life is just beginning! Seriously folks, I am 18 years old, I havent moved out yet, and I am only starting college. I have so much life left to live, so much to expeirence. I’m not going to sour it by being uphappy about not having my soul mate. I am not going to forfit some of the most amazing years of my life to that disappointment. All in all, i am out to have fun in my life. To live, not a little, but a lot.

Well that was fun! Me, Javier, Samantha, Julie, and Darin all went and got food at Wendy’s (we got ours faster hehehe) and then left over to Tristan’s house. Oh yeah, Tristan was with us too….duh.

Anyway, we all zipped over there and had ourselves a little party. Nothing huge (_{and no, no one got drunk at this one! wow!}). So we watched 5th element, ate our wendys food, made fun of the hamster, and basically just had a little fun….then I got the camera out…..well….those pictures will be posted in a little bit. I have to download and edit them ;-) You know….like putting Javier’s face on some porn star or something like that … tehehehe. All in all we were there at tristans for about….uhm…9pm till 3am. It was a lot of fun.

well, i am pleasantly surprised to see how well Darrin’s Opinions section is doing. I’m very happy and excited about it growing. I will hopefully add a feature soon that will use cookies to save the name and email you use so that you don’t have to keep typing them in.

Also, if things go well with the darrin’s opinions, i may very well expand it to other peoples posting too – I am sure a section on “Nick’s Profiles” would be cool. and I am sure someone out there has some “Omnoius Ponderings” they could write about. If anyone out there is interested, gimme a buzz (click the email me link) and we’ll talk about it.

Other than that, Javier is putting out some stupid letter about nick and he’s turning it into some pity fair for himself in some inane hope that it will turn into attention for him while at the same time showing nick the error of his ways. Personally I think this letter should go to just nick and stay that way – mass mailing it will do nothing but create a fiasco….but hey, who am I to judge.

…is one of the most difficult things to posses.

I mean seriously, it’s so easy to lie – to say what people want to hear. It’s even easier to not say anything at all. But in the end it’s never right – it always just complicates things, makes things worse. Where as, if you tell a lie or nothing, a person might not feel bad – or worse, they’ll feel better, that just makes it more of a let down later.

However, if you tell the truth right off the bat, then even if it is negative, at least it’s done and over with – much less strife and torment. Not only all of that, but holding in the truth is nerve wracking – it makes your mind clouded cause it’s always there, nagging at you to do something about it.

I hope some day I am much more truthful than I am now.

Nick: Everything is alright in the end. If everything’s not alright, then it’s not the end.

Leah: i love a boy, his name isn’t troy. i love a boy, he isn’t a toy. i love a boy, wait he is kinda a man. ok i like a guy a whole bunch i would eat a banana for him

Well the new site is almost done. I have everything done except the pictures section which I will get done sometime this week.

Most people who have seen it say it is much better, and easier, and all around an improvement. I’m really happy about it. I’m excited about the comments system which is gonna be really cool if it works out right (which so far it’s going great.)

In the future i think I am going to add cookies so you don’t have to keep typing in your posting name and email address. Make it easier for repeat people to come and post.

In other news, I just contracted with a guy to install a script and do some other general coding work and he’s going to GIVE ME the domain TheCodePro.com – how sweet is that? What a cool domain to have. It’ll be great to use if/when I choose to start making a portfolio (which I really ought to do).

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the new site and I especially look forward to seeing more of Darrin’s Opinions. ;-)

well the shit has really hit the fan this time. Everything has come to light and my debt of nearly $1,300 has come out. Well I just got a check for $600, and it is obviously already spent….i probably won’t be out of this debt for another 3 months as I work it off….fuck….this sucks.

I thought managing money would be so easy, so simple. Add and subtract. Income – Expenses….well I screwed myself over and even after I work out of this hole, i’ll probably spent another 3 months stock piling some dinero so this will NEVER happen again. damn this sucks….

So, xmas is over, people are all sitting around with nuttin to do…we all want to get out and have fun…well we did. Sorta… So Javier has been planning his party all week (perhaps longer too i think) anywho, the party comes down to the wire and everything is set but the location (duh!) but that works out and a hotel room is rented.

Colin, being old enough, take the money and buys the “stuff” as Nick calls it. Stuff of course, being alcohol. Nick, Javier, Jaime, Tristen, and Amy all get to the hotel and begin with the evening activities.

Enter Jeff.

I went to the wrong hotel – damnit…went back home, called nick, got the RIGHT hotel, and then drove over. Anyway, I get there and every one has been drinking already – not for too long though I think. I enter and start, you know, talking and stuff. I don’t drink…yet.

After another bit, more drinking and talking and playing of games has happened. Jaime, by this time is drunk. She’s not bad, and isn’t drinking much more, but she is very dizy, tispy, and drunk. She’s quite funny though and it was amusing to see her so. Oh yeah, tristen is pretty out there by now to, but he’s still drinking.

The drink of choice for the evening was Smirnoff Ice. There was a (i think) 24 pack there. There was various other liqours too, but I can’t remeber/name all of them.

Anywho, clock rolls on a bit and Steven, Michelle and Leah show up. Now, Leah is nick’s current “love” interest. It’s odd though, sorta of a love-hate relationship. Sometimes they mesh perfectly, other times they don’t even look at each other. This turned out to be the latter type of night. They talked maybe 4 times and very breifly at that. Leah is against drinking (but not pot…odd) and was probably upset about nick drinking.

Jenga – this game can NOT be played with people who have been drinking. Period. Not only that, but this was the “truth or dare” jenga. And the middle blocks can be writen on to contain whatever you want. Two of the blocks were “Leah and Nick make out for 30 seconds”. This of course upset nick greatly because he didn’t want to be forced into it – and also probably cause he knew that Leah wasn’t going to go for it. All in all, we never made it around the circle of players twice before the tower fell. We played 3 games and gave up.

At about this point Michele and Leah left. This was not a happy parting. Steven left a little bit later.

Now the players are left:

• Amy: Most experienced drinker
• Colin and Javier: Seconds in line (Colin i think outranking, but not sure)
• Tristen and Jaime: Off in their own little world.
• Nick: having not had a whole lot, just a little giggly.
• Jeff: Hasn’t drank anything but orange juice.

Nick being (probably) upset about the Leah thing, or just being dumb, starts trying to drink himself under the table. Anyway, he’s going for this that, and then this again…twice. He drinks a lot, whether he says so or not. He and Amy are both drunk out of the minds (as per usual with Amy) but this time I actually think nick was the worst. True, he had not drank as much as many, but he was being affected the most, and being the most affected (meaning loud). At this point Nick and Amy go in the bathroom alone and have some heart to heart where she comes out crying. That’s just about the last time those two speak for the rest of the night.

So let’s figure out where we are. It’s now midnight. Jeff hasn’t had anything, colins in the corner feeling bad, Jaime and tristen are in their own world (still), amy is crying, nick is banging around falling over himself drunk and javier is playing referee. Whew.

Here’s my part. I promised at midnight I would drink. So I get some shots lined up…a sampler of sorts…yikes. I start with VODKA…oh my god. That shit burned SOOOOOO bad…but I got it down…ouch. THEN i was instucted to have the Gin…that was just to much for someone who has never drank and hadn’t been drinking. I run to the bathroom, keel over, and wait for the inevitable hurling to commence…and wait…and wait…but nothing comes – thank god. I get up and have about 3 glasses of water – quickly. After that I decied to go with something smoother and easier to take down. I get a smirnoff ice and begin on that. I make it through only one and a half (1.5) of them before I simply can’t pallete the taste at all anymore.

The only thing that happened to me was that I became very forward with things I said (as in the very first thing that came to mind came out) and I lost a little bit of co-ordination, but nothing serious.

If you’ve been keeping up with this journal, you know I am a mixed bag on drinking…it’s been a big issue in my life recently. Anyway, i have now at this point been on several sides of drinking. Including the have had some. Now, I wasn’t drunk by any means, but I could feel what was happening, and I don’t want to again. Mostly because aside from making me clumsy, alcohol (as i had suspected) didn’t do anything positive for me. All it really was doing was taking away co-ordination and making me say things forthright. I can say what’s on my mind without needing alcohol – so no more of that for me.

For Nick This is the point where I remind you that “I am right…about everything.”

Anyway! Whew…long story – and more to go!

Jeff Colin and tristen are sitting on the bed just chumming it together and talking, and at this point is when the heart to heart happens with Nick and Amy ( i think….it’s getting late and memory of the story will be blurrly ) anyway, javier is in full babysitter mode now for Nick because nick can’t hold himself up at all for his life. Nick and Javier spend the next 3 hours in the John with nick throwing up about once every 15 minutes(average). Anyway, i have been drinking so I neeed to peee….so I have to have colin hold the outside door open while i run out to hill to pee cause I don’t want to haul nick out of the bathroom cause I don’t want him to throw up in the room. Yeah…

Also at this point Jaime has regained her ability to walk straight…she was pretty much sobered up. So she’s helping out Javier with nick. Also, the time for Amy to passout has come and so shes out, i’m going to sleep, colins asleep, and at about 3 o’clock nick comes out, lays down and gets some z’s. We wake at about 7/8 oclock, rouse about for a bit and I came home at 9/10ish today.

So there you have it….oh yeah, famous quotes while drinking:

Throwing up “Jeff, you have to try this, it’s soo fun!” -Amy

In the toilet “WAIT! JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE! WAIT!! WWAAAIIIITTT!!!!!” -Nick

The End……more to come???

Well. What a wonderful weekend. I got to go up and visit my Nana (dad’s mom) and that was ok. I must admit – it’s rather sad to see her. She’s very old and dying very slowly and it’s got to be hell on my dad and aunt. I feel very sorry for them…but not so much for my nana.

After that we stayed with my aunt (by the way, this is in trukee up near tahoe and ski places) and we went sleding around. A friend of michael’s that came brought a small flimsy plastic snowboard, but it served it’s purpose well.

It was really fun to go down long snow covered driveways and hit a nice little jump and do a trick. That was fun. :-)

Of course, I pulled out my back doing all of this which kinda sucked, but it was worth it i think. I hadn’t had some good wholesome fun like that in a while and it was great.

Also, Amy just came over with an apology for how things have been between us recently. We hugged and are all better. Of course the fact that she brought me candy was the only thing that made it ok….hehe, just kidding. I’m just glad that we’re talking again. I did miss seeing/speaking with her as well.

Well I am soon off to spend xmas evening with my dad, and then xmas morning with my mom. So far this “divorced” xmas thing isn’t too weird..we’ll see how it goes from here. Expect more updates soon…OH YEAH duh… Yvette got me a cute cuddle bear from that Teddy Crafters place! It’s very nice and I love it. She gave it a name Cuddley Chuy, but I just call it “cuddles” cause i’m lazier than hell :-)

I’ve not had a very good few last days. The more I see people, the less and less happy I am to be around them – at all. Perhaps it’s the people I am hanging out with, perhaps I am on my “social-life period” or something. Either way, i’ve not been very happy with my self/friends.

edit there used to be a picture here – but i’ve long since lost it. Jeff (2004-06-19)

And then tonight Nick plays this neat little ditty he’s working on for his own song, and I try to pick it up after he’s shown Amy how to play it. Well Amy takes this really high-and-mighty, “it’s a special thing Jeff shouldn’t know!” stance and it kinda really pissed me off. Now, I know it was late, and I am positive she’d had something to drink, so she’s not quite herself – but that doesn’t help that fact that it pissed me off that she was being bitchy about that – like it was her special priviledge, and i wasn’t worthy. Anyway – it’s a fucking song and that was mean.

I think I am going to go spend tomorrow at work and just try to forget about all this stuff. I will certainly be busy enough since I haven’t been in for several days. But, i’m looking forward to that – get my mind off things. And if possible, i’m going to see if me and Yvette can possibly get together…we didn’t this weekend except dancing on Friday night, and I was very unhappy about that – i think that’s a major contribution to my bad mood.

I’m noticing that I seem to like to write when the X8 minute comes around. Like the last three/four entries have been on an X8 minute….odd…

Anyway, yeah.

Some days there just isn’t much to…oh yeah…

I went to the Piner High School Winter Concert today – for the most part it was off pitch, under-rehearsed, and lacking in serious conviction. It was still very worth the 3 dollars (my mom) paid. If for nothing other than to see Milbrath do his crazy conducting dance. Some of the songs were very impressive as well. The first song when Celia did a solo was incredible – her solo I mean. I remember doing “My Favorite Year” with her….she was so timid about singing, she wouldn’t even look me straight in the eyes while on stage. She’s come very far and I am very impressed by her.